Seven San Diego, San Diego, CA

Quoting Poets

Tue, 4 May 2010 12:00:00 EDT

Secular music in the church, is there a place for it? How about as part of the "worship" experience?

If a church plays one secular song to illustrate a point in the message or to kick off a service i.e., (www.newspring.cc), is that heretical? Is that "watering down" the gospel or becoming a "shallow church."

What about the topic of engaging culture to reach some for Christ? Is it right to engage the culture or are we supposed to be separate and against culture?

First, Yes, there is a place for secular music in the church: Someone may ask, "Where's the biblical basis for such an act?"

Let's start with Acts 17:28, "For in him we live and move and have our being.’ As some of your own poets have said, ‘We are his offspring.’’(We could also go to Numbers 21 and other Scripture but that's for another time). Here the Apostle Paul quotes a popular secular poet to illustrate a point. Why did Paul do that? How could he? Why did he feel he needed to do that? It's clear to me that Paul was speaking to a NON-Christian audience. He was engaging their culture for the purpose of opening their ears and hearts to receive the message of Jesus Christ.

Today's secular poets are the musicians of the world. They pull and tug at hearts of people by the music they write and play. They have tremendous influence. I'd put a lot of money on it that you listened to some secular music today. No one can deny the power of today's secular music. It is as powerful and alluring as the old poets Paul spoke of.

Why didn't Paul just "Preach The Word!?"

Because Paul knew how to engage culture to open up hearts and minds for the life changing message of Jesus Christ so he could MORE EFFECTIVELY preach the Word! That's why more churches should do the same. To more effectively preach the Word. Not play a song to just play a secular song, but with purpose it's a powerful tool!

Paul said, 1 Cor 9:20 "To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law.

1 Cor 9:21 To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God’s law but am under Christ’s law), so as to win those not having the law.

1 Cor 9:22 To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some.

1 Cor 9:23 I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings. "

Don't misconstrue what Paul is saying, he is not saying he did all that to be "cool" or to be "flashy" or to "water down" the gospel or for the sake of "easy believism". He did all that FOR THE SAKE OF THE GOSPEL. He engaged culture where appropriate for the very purpose of the gospel! This is where so many pastors and churched people miss it in my opinion. Many churches are into building walls and keeping culture out...make no mistake James tells us we are not to be polluted by the world (James 1:27). We should use culture not be used by it.

Paul's example is to engage culture for the purpose of WINNING SOME TO CHRIST. If that means we play a secular song to engage non-Christians and get their attention in order to do as Paul did and share the good news of Jesus Christ more effectively then we will do it. We will follow the example of the greatest soul winner next to Jesus and become all things to all people in order to save some.

Here's how I see it. Paul refrained from using his Christian freedom in order to "serve" the culture in order to save some. He could've said, "I'm a Christian, culture is bad, I don't want to be polluted by it, I better make no reference to it and keep it separated because these people will see no difference in me. I can't 'stoop down' to their level I must show them a different way by being totally and utterly different."

My guess is some of you reading this say, "Exactly!" But, you're wrong. How do I know? Because that's not what Paul did. The same guy that engaged culture and quoted poets is the same guy who said we should be holy, sanctified (set apart), ready for God's use. Wait a minute, sanctified means set apart so there you go, we should not be doing anything with the culture right? Wrong! Sanctified means set apart FOR GOD. Not set apart to be set apart. It means set apart for God's service. For His use. That is what Paul was, sanctified and as a sanctified Christian Paul quoted secular poets in order to save some. He was being used by God to reach into culture while still being sanctified.

Too many churches are of the "us four and no more" mentality. Holy Huddles It seems they say, "We have the good news, we're in, we're 'elect' and we're sitting on this until you come to us and engage our "christianese culture". Then when you've understood the 5 points of Calvinism and you are an "elect" one you may enter with the secret handshake (a.k.a 'right hand of fellowship'). Most people would say today, "sounds like a cult to me." And we wonder why American churches are declining and why pastors are hitting the "eject" button from their churches....lately, some very prominent ones. My opinion is because churched people are not interested in reaching out very much. They're very comfortable being Christians (if that can be said of one who does not reach out) and ignoring Matt. 28:19 and the Great Commission....which says paraphrased (Go get 'em!). This discourages pastors and they fail to keep the foot on the gas pedal of outreach and before long they are preaching to the choir and singing a sad song.

When I read the gospels it is clear Jesus was on the move. He didn't just sit in a synagogue and exposit Scripture and wait for the "elect" to come to him. He went out after them. He got out into the culture and was with the culture, "a friend of sinners." Accused of being a "drunkard, hanging out with the 'cultural crowd." Was Jesus "watering down" the message? Was He being "shallow" by being with those "riff raff?" Jesus was all about reaching out.

When Jesus was with the woman at the well He didn't yell, "Unclean, Unclean" even though as a Jewish Rabbi and according to the "church code" He should have. He met her right where she was and explained who He was. When Jesus was with the woman caught in adultery He didn't yell "Unclean, Unclean" even though as a "Pastor" He should have. Or, when Jesus healed a Roman Centurion's servant...a betrayal to the Jewish "churched" crowd-- healing the servant of a Roman occupier, an oppressor of our "churched culture" how could this Jesus do such a thing? Jesus didn't yell "Unclean, Unclean" at this Roman Centurion. He healed his servant.

Jesus wasn't into building walls and keeping culture out. He was into building bridges and opening the hearts of the culture he lived in. My hope is for more churches that can do the same. Not churches that when a secular song is played people yell, "Unclean, Unclean" but a church focused on a Jesus ministry, reaching the lost, engaging culture like Christ and like Paul all for the purpose of saving some.

Some may say, "What about Discipleship?" What about "Lordship?" That's next, after engaging them the work of discipleship begins. There is a huge cost that I look forward to writing about next.

SEX ANSWERS

Wed, 25 Mar 2009 12:00:00 EDT

As promised here are the answers to your SEX QUESTIONS from last Sunday's message "The Best Sex Ever" pt. 3, The 7-Day Sex Challenge (3.15.09). We asked people to text us their questions during the service and we would have a Q and A during the service. Well, we had tons of questions and got to some of them. The ones we didn't we promised to answer and post on our blogs and website.

Q: IF married, is flirting bad?

A: Not if you’re flirting with your spouse. Flirting with your spouse is highly encouraged. In fact, it is true that women are like crock pots but men are like microwaves so men…get the crock pot started early with lots of flirting. All other flirting outside the marriage is inappropriate. If you are tempted to flirt with someone who is not your spouse you should pour that energy into your relationship with your spouse. Flirting is the first step toward adultery or great sex with your spouse. See Proverbs 4:25, Prov. 7, Matt. 5:28 (applies to husbands and wives)

Q: What should we single people do for the next 7 days? (referring to the 7Day Sex Challenge I gave to married couples which was for married couples to have sex each day or as much as possible for seven days).

A: The same thing you should do for the 7 after that. No sex until marriage (for further study listen to pt.1 of Best Sex Ever). Also, be praying for God to bring the right one into your life and make sure you use the parameters I gave for single people in part three of “The Best Sex Ever” when I talked about how to Recognize a Potential Mate. Click here for the listen to the message http://www.sevensdchurch.com/sermon/pt-3-the-best-sex--ever/

Q: How much viagra is too much

A: If you have an erection that lasts longer than four hours you should see your doctor.

Q: Is masturbation ok in marriage? What does the Bible say about it?

A: If agreed to by both husband and wife as part of the sexual “fun” and arousal in bed YES, it is ok. If it’s something apart from the husband and wife’s fun time in bed it could become lustful with thoughts of others (thus committing adultery according to Jesus) and extremely selfish. The Bible says nothing about masturbation, but plenty about looking out for the needs of your spouse before your own 1 Corinthians 7:3-4, Hebrews 13:4, 1Peter 3:7.

Q: Is porn ok inside of marriage?

A: It is not OK, it enters “others” into the marriage bed, is Orgie “esque” and leads to deeper darker sexual misconduct. Even if both husband and wife agree it still is sinful in the sight of God and degrading and demeaning to both husband and wife. It brings lust to a whole new level and is an extremely difficult habit to break.

If you are struggling with this please visit xxxchurch.com

Usually it is the husband requesting this and the wife may begrudgingly go along with it at first. Often the husband will start to see his wife as less and less valuable and unable to compete with what he is seeing on the television or computer. He is falling into Satan’s trap and continuing to devalue his bride by comparing her to the women he is seeing in the porn. This is the beginning of the end of The Best Sex Ever between the husband and wife. Radical steps must be taken to cleanse themselves of this and move forward in their sexual relationship without porn. It’s a long road some have made it, many have not.

Q: Can or will God bless a gay marriage?

A: The short answer is no, because it goes against what God has already said about homosexuality. If you would like to listen to a message I gave recently about homosexuality and marriage please click the link http://www.sevensdchurch.com/sermon/txt-pt-4-what-does-the-txt-say-about-being-gay/

However, all people whether believers or not, homosexual or not, experience what is called “common grace” and experience God’s blessings of living on earth, experiencing sunshine, rain, good days and bad…that is common to all humanity and in that case…a blessing.

Q: What about 1 Corinthians 7:14 where the unbelieving husband will be sanctified through his wife and vise verse?

A: This is a very interesting situation. The context is that Paul is talking to married couples where one person has become a believer and the other has not. Understand, they are already married and one has decided to be a Christian, the other has not. This is not a situation of a believer deciding to marry and unbeliever. We know from Scripture that this is forbidden by God (2 Corinthians 6:14-15). He says that the unbelieving husband or wife is “sanctified” through the believing spouse.

The question had come up in the Corinthian church about believers being “contaminated” by their unbelieving husbands or wives. By contamination I mean their sin and unbelief. Paul makes the distinction and says that the believing husband or wife is not being contaminated with the bad or sin of the unbelieving husband or wife but the unbelieving husband or wife is being “contaminated” by the good or holiness of the believing husband or wife.

He says they are being sanctified through their marital bond because of their faith in Christ. Something very mystical and real happens when the two become one. It is more than just skin on skin. That’s why God considers sexual sin more serious than other sins (1Cor. 6:18-20).

It is a unification of both body and soul. It does not mean the unbelieving spouse is admitted to heaven upon death without confessing Christ, but it does mean that the believing spouse does not need to worry about being affected spiritually through an unbelieving spouse, rather the unbelieving spouse is being affected spiritually through the believing spouse. Their “holiness” or “goodness” is being “caught” by the unbelieving spouse when “the two become one.”

Q: Do I have to do premarital counseling?

A: If you would like myself or one of the other pastors at Seven San Diego church to marry you the answer is YES. You will need to do pre-marital counseling. It usually lasts 4-6 weeks for an hour per session with homework and life skills lessons that will give you a head start in your marriage.

Believe me, you don’t want to miss out on pre-marital. I once had a guy give me a hard time about pre-marital counseling saying, “I’ve been married three times, I don’t need this stuff!” Whether you’ve been married before or not YOU NEED PRE-MARITAL COUNSELING.

Q:Is oral sex ok?

A: YES. Again, in the marriage bed, it is all good between the two of you.

Q: Where in the Bible does it say that premarital sex is a sin/wrong?

A: The Bible refers to premarital sex as “fornication” in some of the older translations of Scripture such as the King James Version (KJV), New American Standard Bible (NASB) etc. More modern translations preferred the words “Sexually Immoral” or “Adultery.”

Below is a list of the verses from both the Old and New Testament where the Bible says pre-marital sex is a sin/wrong using the words fornication, sexually immoral and adultery.

1Cor. 5:9 1Cor. 5:11 1Cor. 6:9 Heb. 12:16 Heb. 13:4 Rev. 21:8 Rev. 22:15 2Chronicles 21:11 Isaiah 23:17 Ezekiel 16:26 Ezekiel 16:29 Matt. 5:32 Matt. 19:9 John 8:41 Acts 15:20 Acts 15:29 Acts 21:25 Rom. 1:29 1Cor. 5:1 1Cor. 6:13 1Cor. 6:18 1Cor. 7:2 1Cor. 10:8 2Cor. 12:21 Gal. 5:19 Eph. 5:3 Col. 3:5 1Th. 4:3 Jude 7 Rev. 2:14 Rev. 2:20 Rev. 2:21 Rev. 9:21 Rev. 14:8 Rev. 17:2 Rev. 17:4 Rev. 18:3 Rev. 18:9 Rev. 19:2

Q: What are some examples of clear boundaries that help in relationships?

A: Clearly stated boundaries in relationships are key to healthy relationships. The problem is most people don’t take the time to communicate when concerning boundaries. Don’t wait for the other person to talk about boundaries, you take the responsibility. The reality is you will be more respected and appreciated if you clearly state your boundaries. I’m not saying on the first words out of your mouth to your date are, “We’re not doing this, this, or this, nor are we going here, here, or there!”

When the time is right discuss it, but don’t wait too long. Let’s take dating as an example. When you do discuss boundaries here are some guidelines. Boundaries should be clear that you won’t be alone in the dark, late at night, when no one else is around. Why? Very simply…temptation.

Boundaries will help you stay pure before God as you walk toward marriage. Boundaries help you have a plan when you’re dating. You will either go by your plans or your glands. If you’re in the back seat and it’s getting hot and heavy…it’s too late…you’re going by your glands.

If you’ve discussed boundaries and agreed you won’t ever get in the back seat, nor go to a dark, private place with no accountability, no friends, just the two of you, then your boundaries will help you stay pure. Other boundaries include no “sleepovers” or “I’m just going to sleep on the floor.”

Why? The Bible says to avoid the appearance of evil. You may have the best intentions but it sure looks like you’re sleeping with her or him. The only thing people know is that your car was there all night. They don’t know you slept on the floor. And, besides, the temptation that’s just down the hallway is too great a trap.

Thank you all for your questions, hope these answers help you.

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Tue, 11 Mar 2008 12:00:00 EDT

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The Art of the Apology

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 12:00:00 EDT

As apologies go, this one was really lame.

Worse yet, it was delivered over e-mail a few days too late: "Hey, too bad I couldn't make it on Saturday. Something came up. Sorry if it caused a problem."

Anna hit the delete button and swallowed her resentment. The previous Saturday she had hosted a dinner party for several friends. It was the culmination of several weeks of planning, a sizable cash outlay, two nights of cleaning, and one day of cooking. It was a labor of love for several good friends — and a potential audition for the role of a wife. She had hoped her domestic skills would be appreciated and projected into the future by a certain single man. But he was AWOL by the time dinner was served.

"That's what I get for making the effort," she mumbled to herself as the tears began their descent. "He is so not worth it."

The next time Anna saw Mark at a singles event, she refused to make eye contact and coolly walked away.

"I can't believe it — she blew me off," Mark complained to his buddy. "Did you see that? I apologized to her and now she won't even talk to me!"

Sorry if ...

Those two words are a dodge. They attempt to address the tension in the air but they diffuse nothing. "If" implies the offense isn't evident, requiring the speaker to offer a vague assessment of the problem while skirting any responsibility for it. A simple "sorry" is an air-kiss in the direction of a true acknowledgment of wrong-doing. Offered together, they typically fuel the offense, rather than placate it.

This is the kind of phrase we typically utter when we recognize there is tension in a relationship, but we don't want to put in the hard work to accomplish genuine reconciliation.

And it always comes across as hollow as it is.

Repentance to the Rescue

The "sorry if" statement hasn't a leg to stand on because it's missing the core of a true apology: the recognition of injury or wrong-doing, and a genuine expression of repentance for it.

We were created with an innate sense of justice. Even young children recognize this with their offended cries of "it's not faa-air!" Our culture has grown more litigious as the "sorry if" statements have proliferated. But now some segments of society are beginning to recognize the bottom-line impact. Over the last four years, several states have passed what's known as "doctor apology laws." Some hospital administrators say apologies help defuse patient anger and prevent lawsuits that have helped drive up doctors' malpractice insurance rates. These laws allow physicians to apologize when treatment goes wrong, without having to fear that their words will be used against them in court. According to a study in the New England Journal of Medicine, studies show that negligence is not the most important factor in people's decision to file a lawsuit, but rather, ineffective communication between patients and providers.

In other words, we long to hear that the other person recognizes the injury or injustice — and is genuinely remorseful about it.

When I was growing up, my parents would steadfastly maintain that it takes two to start a fight. Whenever the squeals of anger and conflict would erupt, one or both of them would come into the room, demanding to know what was going on. Like the good little sinners we were, we'd immediately point out the wrong-doing of our siblings, expecting that the other one would get punished. Invariably, we jointly received correction. We weren't very swift to figure out that blame-shifting didn't work. In fact, it has never worked. It didn't work in the Garden of Eden — when Adam tried to blame both God and Eve, and Eve passed the blame on to the serpent — and it doesn't work now. Why? Because our own "righteousness" in any conflict will never measure up to the perfect holiness of God.

Scripture says our conflicts are fueled by hidden agendas, cravings, and self-centered demands. James 4:1-3 makes this very clear:

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.

Christians are walking objects of mercy; as such, we are called to remember how much we have been forgiven — and to make that truth a reality in our relationships. Though we have been forgiven by God through the cross of Christ, we will struggle with indwelling sin until we see our Lord in glory. Therefore, we are to be quick to recognize our own sinful tendencies and motivations, first before God and then with others.

This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all. If we claim to have fellowship with him yet walk in the darkness, we lie and do not live by the truth. But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin.

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. (1 John 1:5-10)

When we have conflict and tension in our relationships, the Bible calls us to examine our own hearts and to own, without blame-shifting, the sins we have committed. A true apology is honest about sin — labeling it as the Bible does — and seeks to restore fellowship through repentance and forgiveness.

The Art of the Apology

So let's look back at the conflict between Mark and Anna. Some might glibly write this off as the usual tension of expectations between single men and women. In social occasions, women often make more of an effort than men do, 'tis true. (Of course, I do recognize that some men are much better hosts and chefs than the bulk of the population, so I am speaking generally here.) Therefore, a man might not realize how much time and money has gone into a dinner invitation that he has treated so casually. I hope this column serves as an alert for anyone so innocent about the work that goes into offering hospitality of any kind. May we all improve in our efforts to faithfully respond to social invitations in a timely way, to keep the commitments we've made, and to express our gratitude afterward.

This article, however, is not about etiquette. It's about reconciliation. And in Mark's case, he was sowing to laziness and self-centeredness when he decided to skip the dinner party. The day of the event, he didn't feel like going out. He just wanted to hang around the house and watch TV. So when a friend invited himself over to watch a new movie, Mark decided to blow off the dinner party. He figured it wouldn't be a big deal if he didn't show up.

It was a big deal to Anna, though. It would have been rude if any guest had decided to bow out without explanation at the last moment, but because she had expectations of him, she was especially disappointed. His nonchalant, non-apology only fueled her anger and so she felt justified in blowing him off at the next singles meeting.

Sin and selfishness are everywhere present in this scenario, but there is a way out! When Mark felt the pinch of his conscience that prompted him to send his "sorry if" apology attempt, it would have been better if he had stopped first to pray. Through prayer, we can ask the Holy Spirit to show us the things we are blind to: the self-centered focus, the sinful motivations of comparison or people-pleasing, the self-righteousness that we feel entitled to express, etc. Then it's good to find some Scriptures that address these areas so we can apologize and ask forgiveness in biblical terms and not hide behind the fuzzy, sin-minimizing language of our culture.

For example, Mark's apology would have been better if he had identified his contribution to the conflict and asked for forgiveness in this manner: "Anna, I am sorry for skipping your dinner party. It was self-centered of me not to think about how this would affect your plans and it certainly didn't show any gratitude for your hospitality. I was tired and preferred staying home to watch a movie, but this didn't consider your interests as more important than my own. God has convicted me of this. Would you please forgive me for my selfishness and lack of consideration?"

This kind of apology reflects true repentance, clearly names the biblical categories of sin, and then asks for forgiveness. For Anna's part, she should not blow this off with a simple, "That's OK" or "Don't worry about it." That response minimizes the confession and the request for forgiveness. Since Anna had also contributed to the conflict, a gracious response would be something like this: "Mark, I do forgive you. Now I have to ask you to forgive me for responding in anger to you and unkindly snubbing you at the meeting. I should have used that opportunity to ask you questions, instead of sinfully judging you. Would you please forgive me for my anger?"

In this particular scenario, Anna needed to ask for forgiveness, as well. But if she had not returned unkindness with more of the same, and Mark had made this same apology, then her response should be different: "I wondered what had happened, Mark, so it's good to hear your explanation. I was hurt that you didn't show up, but I'm glad to forgive you — especially in light of all that God has forgiven me."

But what about Anna's crush and her expectations of Mark? This is where wisdom and discretion would dictate that she not lay this burden on him. He is innocent in the matter of her hopes for a future relationship and the burden of expectation that she has here. But she should confess this to a trusted accountability partner. Because of her dashed hopes, her reaction to Mark was more heated than it would have been had any other guest cancelled. She wanted to impress him, so her motivation for throwing the dinner party was partially based out of self-promotion.

This aspect she should confess to her accountability partner, who could help Anna identify potential idolatry, fear of man, lack of trust in God, and sinful desires to impress others — and help her to repent before God. (An important disclaimer: Anna was not wrong for throwing a dinner party and inviting a man she liked. It was her reaction to the "squeeze" of the disappointing circumstances that was sinful.)

A "sorry if" statement not only falls short of a real apology, it misses the mark of Christian forgiveness. The well-crafted, biblically-based apology is an art unto itself. It reveals the glory of conviction of sin and the grace of forgiveness, and wraps it in the beauty of humility — all for the praise of the glory of God!